The Most Opportune Lighting Bolt
by WatcherChild
Summary: Mary knows that her Other Half is Maedhros the son of Fëanor, and with her sisters and dog - Betty, Spaghetti, Susan, and Puffo - she comes to Valinor to seek him out. Little does Mary know that it is Mandos whom fate has chosen for her.


The Most Opportune Lighting Bolt

Note – The work of a deranged mind.

In a farm in the middle of a cornfield, there lived four sisters. They were quadruplets, only a few minutes apart, but each of them was beautiful in a different way.

                The eldest sister, Mary Sue, was tall and had shining golden hair and ocean blue eyes. She was a graceful dancer, and she could dance better than any Russian ballet star. The next sister, Betty Sue, was slender and petite, and her gleaming brown hair complimented her stormy gray eyes very well. She was the artist in the family, and many people said that she could draw water lilies even better than Monet ever could. The third sister, Spaghetti Sue, was also petite, and she had red hair with a golden sheen, and her forest green eyes mesmerized all that they fell upon. Spaghetti had a beautiful voice, even better than Madonna's. Plus, she didn't have conical breasts. The forth sister, Susan Sue, had midnight black hair and violet eyes. Susan was a model because she was taller and even more beautiful that Gisele, the model from Brazil. 

                They also had a dog named Puffo.

                One day, the four sisters and Puffo, who loved each other more than anything and never grew jealous of each other, decided to go read books. Susan picked up a fashion magazine, Spaghetti picked up a cookbook, Betty picked up a painting magazine, Puffo looked at doggy pictures, but Mary picked up the _History of Middle Earth: Morgoth's Ring_. 

                Mary liked that book so much that the next day she decided that she wanted to marry Maedhros, the eldest son of Fëanor. When she told her plan to her sisters, they were very supportive. But as they were gathered around Mary's computer, a bolt of lightening hit them, and the quadruplets and Puffo became unconscious.

                When they finally regained awareness, they awoke to find themselves in a beautiful land that they had never seen before. At first the sisters sat in shock, until Betty, the most practical, asked the most natural question. "Where are we?"

                It was then that Mary's eyes fell upon a big black mound. She rapidly thought back to her Tolkien book, and she realized the obvious conclusion. "Why, we are in Valinor, the home of Maedhros! This is where that spider killed some trees."

                "She could have just put webs around them. She didn't need to kill them," huffed Susan. After all, not only was Susan on the cover of every magazine, but she was also active in environmental actions. Her current project was to stop people from cutting down trees.

                But Mary did not pay attention to her sisters. Instead, she looked off in the distance and hoped that Maedhros would come marry her.

                So Mary and her sisters waited. 

                But Maedhros did not come.

                Then Spaghetti became hungry, and so the sisters began walking. Soon they came to a white city set upon a green hill. "You know, this place reminds me of Belgium. I painted a sunset there once," said Betty.

                "We need to find shelter until Mary finds her true love." When Spaghetti saw her sister's depressed eyes, she hurried to comfort her. "True love knows no boundaries. I know you will find him." Not only was Spaghetti a beautiful singer, but she was also very wise.

                When the sisters arrived inside the city, everyone around them stopped and gazed at them with admiration. Finally, a beautiful tall Elf rode up to them. "Praise the stars! Creatures even more beautiful than Galadriel and Sauron in his fair form have come to bless this fair city!" He then introduced himself as Ereinion Gil-galad. "I love beautiful women," he admitted.

                Quickly Mary explained the situation to him, and with each passing second, his beautiful gray eyes grew wider. "My lady, perhaps you should seek another." He then gave each of the sisters long look. "All of you should consider someone else."

                "Why can't Maedhros marry me?" asked Mary.

                "He still dwells within the Halls of Mandos." The prince then offered both his arms, which Susan and Betty accepted. When Mary and Spaghetti were left without an arm, another beautiful Elf-lord rode to the rescue. He had bright golden hair and beautiful blue eyes. 

                Gil-galad introduced him as Glorfindel, and he eagerly took the arms of the other two ladies. But as they passed by the admiring crowd, Susan heard a woman whisper, "I think that Gil-galad will be having another orgy tonight."

                Once within Gil-galad's palace, Mary pleaded with them to allow her to go to the Halls of Mandos. "He needs me. Only I can help him in his suffering, and only I can understand his burdens." After all, being a dancer was filled with just as much turmoil as participating in the Kinslaying but not in the burning of the ships at Losgar, having his right hand cut off, building a fortress at Himring, forming the Union of Maedhros, being betrayed by treacherous men, participating in another two Kinslayings, stealing a Silmaril, and finally jumping into a fissure containing fire.  

                "Well," Glorfindel began, "I suppose you could. But will all of you be going?" he asked as he gave the other three ladies hopeful glances.

                "Puffo and I will go with Mary," said Spaghetti, for she was the most loyal to their oldest sister. "Betty and Susan will remain here." This was no problem for the two ladies, for they had fallen in love with the gallant elf-lords.

                The next day Mary and Spaghetti rode to the Halls of Mandos. Mary rode on Asfaloth while Spaghetti rode on Kelly, Asfaloth's sister. The two horses were very swift, and since both Mary and Spaghetti were lighter than feathers, they reached the Halls within half an hour. 

                The Halls were very big, and beautiful pink roses grew around the gates. When they entered, lovely spirits directed them to a sitting area and brought them teacakes. "Whoever lives here sure is a good host," said Spaghetti as she munched her cake. 

                "I only hope that his heart is big enough to allow me to go to my beloved," said Mary tremulously. 

                It was then that the door opened. "I am Mandos, the lord of these halls and the dead." He was tall and breathtaking, and Mary melted into a puddle. Thankfully, Spaghetti did not. 

                "Hey there, Mr. Mandos." She held out her sticky hand, which the Vala accepted reluctantly. "Thank you so much for having us."

                "I don't recall being given a choice," he muttered dryly. "How may I help you?"

                "If Maedhros is the most beautiful, than I cannot even imagine what he looks like, now that I have seen you," blurted Mary. 

                Mandos was caught by her beautiful eyes, and all this thoughts of judgment vanished. "Not even Luthien has made my heart thump as you have, Lady Mary Sue."

                Spaghetti realized what was going on. "No, Mary! Maedhros is your one true love."

                But Mary shook her head, her golden hair falling about her in a graceful waterfall. "No, I do not think so. My one true love is the lord of my spirit, and that is Mandos." She briefly turned her eyes to her sister's. "I think I just misread Maedhros for Mandos." Puffo barked her support, and Spaghetti nodded.

                Then Mandos and Mary kissed, and Ilúvator granted Mary special powers. She became a queen of the Valar, and soon all the Eldar revered her name as well. After this happened, Spaghetti decided that she should at least seek out Maedhros and tell him that Mary could not marry him anymore. But when she got to the section of the Halls that the Fëanorians lived in, Puffo suddenly bolted from her side. Spaghetti searched for him for hours, but it was to no avail. Finally, Puffo did come back, and a great big hound followed. 

                The hound spoke. "I am Huan, and I would like your permission to take Puffo as my wife."

                "Oh my," breathed Spaghetti. "Of course. I wish both of you great happiness." The two dogs went away then as they sought canine bliss. After they left, Spaghetti realized that out of all her family – Mary, Betty, Susan, and Puffo – only she had not found love. So great was her grief that she began to sing a dirge.

                But when she was halfway through her song, another joined his voice with hers. She looked up to see a slender Elf with dark hair and gray eyes. They finished singing, and then he introduced himself as Maglor. He explained that he was not a spirit like everybody else, but he had come to the Halls anyway, so that he could be with his family. They spoke for a long while, and when she told him that she was Spaghetti the Wise, he said, "Wonderful! My mother is Nerdanel the Wise! You shall get along famously with her!"

                She and Maglor fell in love, of course, for she was a Sue after all. Then she healed all of Maglor's grief, and together they left the Halls and lived happily ever after.

                Everybody forgot about Maedhros, who was the reason that the sisters had ended up in Valinor. 

Author Note: 

- Again, I have no comment.

- And no, I do not have a death wish, unless I could end up with hunky Mandos. 


End file.
